Life is upredictable [part 2]

Okay... again.. I has been placed in such a situation that make me contemplate.

On Sunday, June 26 2011, I wrote in this blog that 'Life is unpredictable' that briefly I told about how my office life is significantly change within 8 months.

Now it has been 7 months from that posting date, and I'm going to tell you some weird story that my office conditions are 'once again' changing dramatically.

It started 3 months ago that suddenly I got a new boss, but not replacing the old one, but she's as an addition. Let me draw the scheme of bosses in my company:
CEO --> BOSS 1 --> BOSS 2 --> BOSS 3 --> ME

Then the new boss that is externally recruited is becoming BOSS 4, and the scheme is change into:
CEO --> BOSS 1 --> BOSS 2 --> BOSS 3 --> BOSS 4 --> ME

Well, instead of getting a promotion, I even have a new boss?? Such a pity for me, but then at that moment, I has been able to cope with the situation, means that I'm not so desperate as it was before. I'm in the process of getting a new job outside, but in the meantime I'm still passionate to work and learn as many thing as possible. I'm just praying so that my new boss could bring happiness. No matter what.

Guess what, after 3 months, I got many surprise:

(1) BOSS 4 is getting so many critics from BOSS 3. As I ever mentioned before, BOSS 3 is very demanding to me. And she also do so to BOSS 4. This is actually kinda weird, as BOSS 3 is the one that recruit BOSS 4, so she should becoming a golden girl rite? I'm personally admire this BOSS 4 as she's very nice and kind person (at least until now, yea.. life is very unpredictable).

(2) BOSS 3 is resigned!!! wow... that is a good news for everyone, but unfortunately this boss is smart and knows everything, and she only has 10days to handover her job directly to her replacement. Aaaahh.. For me, this is also a disaster, because BOSS 1 and BOSS 2 will come after me (and to BOSS 4 who is still not knowing about anything).

(3) A job offer come to me.
Hahah.. I really never predict this one, as the job interview has been done since 2 months ago, and every recruitment process over a month that hasn't continued will be declared as failed. I'm in the situation that is not willing too much to move anymore as the environment is getting better (because of no 1 and no 2 above), but however, this job offer me an increase in salary at certain percentage that is most likely make many people move with logical reason. Money. Most of employee in private company has been trained not to be afraid of facing new challenges, including resigning and joining another private company that offer development.
But then, deep inside my heart, I still want to develop my skill in this current company. Let's say I has just learned about 40% of one valuable knowledge, and of course I'm very passionate to continue that learning.
So.. as BOSS 3 is in the process of resigning, I directly talk to BOSS 2 before I sign the offer. And another unpredictable moments happen.

(4) Unfortunately I only got a day length of being offered and then signing it.
So, to BOSS 2 I talk honestly that I'm having another job that offer me an increase, but actually I still love working in this company, but I definitely need money! And simply saying, I only give BOSS 2 time to consider whether I'm going to be promoted or not in only one day! But if then he decided not to do anything, then tomorrow I will have to resign. Gosh...
And you know what, BOSS 2 give me the promotion. effective next month.
And I'm staying in this company, rejecting the offer.

(5) After promoting, the scheme is becoming like this:
CEO --> BOSS 1 --> BOSS 2 --> BOSS 3 --> ME AND BOSS 4 is now equal

See?? in only one week, that were so many changes happen. And I'm stunned with my mind thinking about this all. Thing that I really never think before... is that BOSS 3 who used to be really awful, is the one who help to assure me to be promoted! Wow.....

Contemplating these sudden news, I was reminded by my husband:

“Dan dia lah yang menjadikan kamu penguasa-penguasa di bumi dan dia meninggikan sebahagian kamu atas sebahagian (yang lain) beberapa derajat, untuk mengujimu tentang apa yang diberikan-Nya kepadamu.” (QS. Al An’am : 165

“Maka tatkala mereka melupakan peringatan yang telah diberikan kepada mereka, kamipun membukakan semua pintu-pintu kesenangan untuk mereka; sehingga apabila mereka bergembira dengan apa yang telah diberikan kepada mereka, kami siksa mereka dengan sekonyong-konyong, Maka ketika itu mereka terdiam berputus asa.” (QS. Al An’am : 44)

Hopefully, I could be the person that is still 'down to earth'... Amin.

“Dan (ingatlah juga), tatkala Tuhanmu memaklumkan; "Sesungguhnya jika kamu bersyukur, pasti kami akan menambah (nikmat) kepadamu, dan jika kamu mengingkari (nikmat-Ku), Maka Sesungguhnya azab-Ku sangat pedih". (QS. Ibrahim : 7)

Allahu Akbar, Tuhan Maha Besar
and
Alhamdulillah, segala puji bagi Allah

Life is unpredictable

It's been couple of months ago when I posted some notes down here.
And today before I start to curcol, I incidentally re-read my previous notes, when Brian is still 3months. I was surprised to find that, I have ever said "I miss office". Wow!
That note is in contrary with the one that I'm going to write rite know, about how I hate office!

All the things change in a sudden. The time when I wrote it, is when I was about to back from pregnancy leave. Times when I have a very nice boss, a solid team work, some lovely office's friend. I used to have an environment that make me fill high spirited to come to the office. To do the best that I can!

I never predict before, that my boss is going to leave me, my friends are dissapearing one by one.. That I didnt get any promotion but my responsibility is getting higher.. And stuck with boss who were too much demanding!

well, life is unpredictable that my working life is becoming messy compare with 8months ago.

Sadly, I can not quit from this office as easy as ussual. I have some reasons to hold me here. It means that day by day I will have to face the boss who I dont like.

I do really hope, by knowing that life is unpredictable, this annoying situation will chanpe in a sudden.

ABRAKADABRAaa !!


i
r

Waiting for My NewBorn Baby

Again, waiting is sumthin that could make you crazy..

If I count with mathemathic calculation, today is 40weeks 1 days of my pregnancy period,
which means... My Baby is supposed to have been born!
But well well well... I have to be patient.. The baby have his own day, maybe one of BEST DAY which has been planned by God to him.

I've been asking to everybody bout pregnancy, bout normal baby birth, baby daycare.. but the most difficult moment, I think, is
baby birth moment!

Yea.. maybe part of me feel kinda 'post power syndrome' hihihi.. Because I've been taking my maternity leave since a week ago, and I really feel bored being at home without activities. I've tried to do this and that, but I can't concentrate, coz deep down in my heart, I really wait for him, I really miss my baby..
Arrgghhhhhhh...

Baby birth knowledge

(1) Contraction
I've been experiencing this since 3days ago.
I asked my friends bout contraction, the difference between contraction before baby birth, or feeling want to pup, or 'masuk angin', hi hih... And they are right. Sick of contraction is like you have your 1st day menstruation. Only women know this. I could not describe it. My daddy said, we have to differ it with 'braxton hicks' or 'kontraksi palsu'. The real contraction as a sign of baby birth will have regular rhythm, maybe start with once in 30minutes, then every 15minutes, then 10minutes, than 5 minutes.
Not as easy as it told, coz since 3 days ago, I can not describe the braxton hicks, or regular rhythm, or juz wanna have pup.. AIYAAAAAA... It's just almost the same. Then when you should decide to go to the hospital before it's too late?
Well, some people suggest me to go to hospital only after 'YOU CAN'T SMILE ANYMORE', means, the sick of contraction is unbearable. But that condition will only apply if you could reach the hospital as soon as possible. If it's not, it will be more safe if you stand by in hospital since the contraction is regular in 10minutes.

Up to this moments, only contraction thing that I feel, thing that I could share.
This is waiting time.. maybe I will update the knowledge later, after I've been felt it, one by one steps towards a baby born

ARGGGHH... hope through this note, I could be more patient..

May I Hate Djakarta [part-2]

Bwehehe...

My last post is too expresive.. without complete explanation I guess, he he he... That would make you the reader a bit confuse, and the writer (ME?) will also confuse if I read again the posting in the future.

Actually what is annoying 'bout Jakarta for me, subjectively, is because, this city is too wide and too complicated to adapt. I've been working in Jakarta (including Cikarang, Bekasi??) for 3years more. And in the mean time, I still know only a small part 'bout this place. Maybe for the 'native Jakarta', it won't be so bad to be here. Even I often meet friends that really love to live here, especially with their family.

If you only talk bout work and career, this place is a heaven with many opportunities. Yes it is a tough competition, but with lot of chances for a hard worker. You could learn from many great bosses, clever and creative people, smart peers, etc. CREATIVE! I found the Jakartanese is very creative, but not in art. Of course they are creative!! When you are stuck in a traffic, but you have important meeting, and you're gonna loose many if you're late, then your brain will think harder to find a way out. When you have some problem, without anybody to help, your eyes will be more sensitive to look for any opportunity to solve it.

For me, it's a big learning. And I strive for that -that's why I'm still here..-

But now, in pregnancy time, when you have a different priority which is not always about office and office, this crowd, this competition, this difficult place is not as interesting as before. You could say that we're still on 'Work Hard - Play Hard' situation. WORK HARD? Yes. PLAY HARD?? Hmm.. Let we figure the terms of 'play' is kind of relaxing mind, when you could pay attention to your family, call your friends happily, enjoy the nature, breath deeply, peacefully, do something you like, etc.
In Jakarta, where traffic is wait for you every working-days, you could hardly PLAY HARD except WEEKEND, and it's deduct with the time you spend for sleep and rest after work hard 5days full! It's a precious time to spend the time together with your family in this town. And that's what make me most DESPERATE!!!! Are you sure you have do a PLAY HARD or you just run away from your stressfull mind every weekend? You spend your money for a 'fake pleasure' only for compensation of the hard work, not because you enjoy it! That's why I say the art here is poor.. compare with Bandung... Jogja.. Bali... where everybody have a REAL PLAY, REAL REFRESHMENT to grow the art senses.

Talking 'bout the art, the poor heart is influencing me also.
Once of a night, when I was back home from the office, in the traffic light, I saw a little boys was sitting in the corner road, crying..alone. My heart said that I had to help him. Maybe something bad had happened to him, lose his parents, or else. But my mind reminded me "HEY! This is Jakarta! Be careful! That boy could be a criminal sindicate to trap you, to rob you! Be ware! This is 8 p.m and the road is not safe for young lady for you!"

Guess what, I just watched him crying, till the traffic went green, then pass by with a BIG BIG BIG regretness, but didn't know what would be better than I did. If only I were a strong man, I would be brave to take any consequences of helping him. If only this is not JAKARTA, maybe I could sincerely help him without any worryness. Slowly but sure, I become pathetic, individulistic, juz like them!!! AARRRGGggghh!!!

Jakarta oh Jakarta... this is with a slow intonation.. May I hate you?

May I Hate Djakarta??

Actually I want to write the title in more sarcastic way such as " I Really Hate Jakarta" or "I'm sick to be in Jakarta!" ha ha ha... But then we could view our feeling as a temporary emotion, a 'long-term caused' for a move, rite? I don't know which one mine..

====

Yea, everybody has their own footprint, and my print in Jakarta had never come into my mind before. I am just ordinary girl who grown up in small and peace town. Only heard 'bout Jakarta a little, and never ever has a dream to live here. But then, HERE I AM! Get stuck!

I HATE THE TRAFFIC which make time become so short... waste fuel, waste day and night, waste opportunities only in Road!! Almost everyday.

I HATE THE INDIVIDUALISTIC PEOPLE which make life more difficult. Nobody to help you sincerely, because their life has been difficult also! People is on high speed, high competition, and everydat is not about 'what I will eat today' but always thinking of "who I will eat today?

I HATE THE CONSUMTIVE and SHOW OFF HABBIT which make everybody becoming so so materialistic, never get satisfied of what they have, but keep on shopping and shopping and showing their high life style.

Yes, maybe this place could make you rich in money, but never make you rich in heart...

Pfuiihh...

I miss my lovely Jogja... or Pekalongan..

I'M CRYING IN THEATER

This is valentine's day, and ended up by watching "PS. I Love You" in Setiabudi this nite. Well, it's not because i have planned, coz everything went incidentally when I decided to watch a movie before I sleep.And I never expect myself to cry in the middle of that movie coz actually i'm not in blue or even in love. My mood is not romantic at all this valentine, and I pick that film only to follow the others.

Anyway, I am writing this not for discuss bout that movie.
I write it here because suddenly there are lot of things in my mind that ruin my head, need to be shared. Hm.. those desires lately make me wanting sumthin that I don't have, or not supposed to have.. or not ready to have? Yeaa... I'm dreaming bout having lot of times imagining and then create some story or any other writing all the day, watching people and get inspiration. Fiuh, seems that my 'artistic' sense is now a bit dominating ya?

Do you think I cry because of the film was so romantic and make me dying?

Aah.. then U are all wrong.Let me be honest that at this moment, I don't believe in madly love. Means.. Love is exist, but it's wouldn't be that mad or crazy. People crazy because they are drunk, not because they are in love.
Hey hey hey.. this is valentine rite? stop discussing the essence of love!
Ha ha

One thing or more in the movie has touched me deeply.

- When Holly suddenly let her hand off Gerry (1st time they met and fall in love). Holly said that she didn't want to know his name, didn't want to make any further arrangement, didn't want to continue their talking, and just dissapeared from this man. Freak Uh? This lady crazy in crush, but choose to stay away and run? Stupid!
But. that's very our gender! wakakaka.

- When Holly tell the secret's secret to Daniel (he's very confuse of woman being. They are completely messed up, complicated. What is actually woman want?) Holly's answer: Woman actually doesn't know what they want! that's the key
Aha.. once again, it's the bigest secret you man should understand.

- When Holly finally realize her foolish expectation bout being accompanied by Gerry (who has already died..) and she run into her mother and cry.

Aiya... Never expect myself to cry..But it did.

D U now understand why I cry?

HAPPY VALENTINE!

Gentle Life for freedom

Gently drink the coffee...

Dee...
D U know what it means with 'gentle'?
It does not always refer to gentleman, or the way man open some doors for woman (aihh come on... itu yg terpatri dlm ingatan masa kecil kami kaum wanita saat dibukakan pintu oleh pria, wow.. gentlemen..hihih)
Feel like I, now, live in a gentle rythmic.

Tiba-tiba aku merasa semakin mengenalnya... mulai menyentuh jalan pikirannya.
Tidak selalu mulia memang.. tapi, baik, bertanggungjawab, family oriented, pfuh....
Pada saat bersama'an, gw dihadapkan pada kesempatan2 yang 'mungkin' masih seperti membeli kucing dalam karung. U can't see what's hidden inside rite?
Kesejatian itu masih jauh kurengkuh. Aku masih suka kopi yang dingin.. yang membuat mulutku bergidik dan berkulum, yang membuat kerongkonganku tersadar lalu bangkit dari ngantuk dan kelambanan pikiran yg sedang tenggelam.

Aku menjalani kehidupanku sebagai seorang perempuan selama hampir 23 tahun dan aku menyadari segala kelebihan dan daya tarik yang 'kami' kaum ini, miliki.
Tapi aku juga menyadari segala kelemahan yang dimiliki wanita

Untuk menyerah pada perasaan dan rasa kasihan,
Untuk membantu dan menolong hingga kepayahan
Untuk merawat tanpa memikirkan dirinya sendiri
Untuk mengabdi secara lugu dan...
bodoh...

Should I still freeze all the things that I have?

Frozen Hearted Person

Jujur...
gw sedih dee... dan lagu kerispatih ini udah gw ulang lebih dari 20 kali di windowsmediaplayer gw..

Jangan lagi… kau sesali.. keputusanku
Ku tak ingin kau semakin kan terluka
Tak ingin ku paksakan cinta ini
Meski tiada sanggup untuk kau terima

Aku memang manusia paling berdosa
Khianati rasa demi keinginan semu
Lebih baik jangan mencinta biarku dan semua hatiku
Karna tak kan pernah kau temui cinta sejati

Berakhirlah sudah semua kisah ini dan jangan kau tangisi lagi
Sekali pun aku tak kan pernah mencoba kembali padamu
Sejuta kata maaf terasa kan percuma
Rasaku tlah mati untuk menyadarinya

Semoga saja kan kau dapati hati yang tulus mencintaimu
Tapi bukan aku…

Kenapa tiba2 yang terjadi kemarin berulang semua dalam kepalaku seperti rekaman video yang diputar ulang scene per scene?
Kenapa tiba2 aku pengen nangis?

Today I wear RED! (symbolist..)

Actually my outfit today is exactly red.

But seeing the tittle above, I force myself to wear red today.
Yesterday is bad, today is bad. Well, this is not kind of complaining or regreting feeling, coz I have promised to myself not to quit from this situation, till my goal could be achieved.

Iklas.. iklas.. iklas...

I try to repeat that word to get calm.
My complicated world is ruined. Friendship, relationship, family, working season, living place, ahhhhh.. WHAT CAN BE WORSE THAN THIS?

This shall too pass
I will face these all, with bravery, with strugling mode, with RED spirit
with love...
with smile..
with resignation...

Another Decision?

Yang tidak berani mengambil keputusan, yang ragu melangkah, yang takut menghadapi resiko dan keluar dari zone nyaman.

Anyway, I'm not yet in comfort zone anyway..
Jadi kuputuskan utk keluar!
Aku rasa aku cukup independen untuk bisa bahagia sendiri!

U're scared flo, aren't U?
Yes I do,
tapi masih ada sumber2 energi lain yg pasti bisa membuatku tersenyum kala duka melanda. Masih ada Tuhan yang menyayangiku dan yang akan menemaniku setiap waktu.

Ya Tuhan... kuatkan aku....

Insight Update

Haruskah belajar menghadapi ini semua?

Dari semalem, setelah emosi begitu bergejolak, hati begitu bersedih dan badan begitu capek, aku terbangun dini sekali lalu menyelesaikan kewajibanku setengah terkantuk setengah berpikir.
Sepertinya kemudian ada yg membisikkan dalam telinga: "just rilex and enjoy your day.. u can consider such a matter with ur own choice, easy or difficult. But then, the easy going one will be easier to be happy"

Lalu aku mencoba melepaskan pikiran2 jelekku dan berkata pd diri sendiri bahwa pun hal terburuk akan terjadi, aku tdk akan terpengaruh. Aku akan tetap punya cara2 terbaik utk menghibur diriku sendiri dan membuat hidup lebih berharga utk dinikmati. Tuhan adalah yg akan menemani dan menyayangi dan kebahagiaanmu bukan bersumber hanya dari sebuah, seorang, seekor atau sebentuk kecil tak berarti itu.


Dear dee..
Dia blm berhenti manggil sebutan sayang di masa lalu. Pengennn banget rasanya menghardik lagi dan melarangnya sertamerta. Tp itu sudah pernah kulakukan, dan hasilnya nihil. Aku nggak tega. Maaf... Aku nggak bisa mewujudkan keinginanmu. Walaupun kuakui kau pernah mengisi salah satu lembar diaryku dan menjadi bagian hati yg membentuk emosi. Keputusan yg sudah dipikirkan matang dan kupertimbangkan berhari2, artinya sudah tak semudah membalik telapak tangan utk menarik kembali.

Kemudian dia yg lain..
Aku memilih utk tdk lagi berpusing dengan dirinya, tp lebih kepada bagaimana aku akan bersikap. Mungkin lebih baik mencoba belajar menghadapinya, mengenal, dan mendewasakan diriku sendiri. Sebuah pengorbanan cinta? I dont think so..
Yang pasti, aku belajar utk tenang manakala sebuah perasaan buruk kembali menyerang. Kadang2 kupikir itu diperlukan utk mempersiapkan menghadapi hal jelek, istilahku: berhati-hati. Tapi apakah ada gunanya? Apakah kemudian menyelesaikan masalah?

Aku hanya tidak yakin akan jalan mana yg akan kupilih. Sehingga mengambil keputusan yg tergesa jg bukan hal bijaksana. Aku hanya akan terus melangkah tenang, mantap, dan berhati-hati. Selalu membuka pintu-pintu kesempatan dan tidak menutup hatiku. Pun ada hal2 buruk yg menyerang, itu bukan lagi wilayah kekuasaanku. Itu adalah pelajaran yang Tuhan kirimkan utkku belajar menghadapi.

Mencoba tenang, melepaskan.. dan tidak berharap.
May God bless then.

cuma PMS?

Aku inget terakhir kali aku PMS dan akhirnya membuat segalanya berantakan. Aku inget waktu itu dapet feeling yg gak enak dan ternyata jadi kenyataan.

Dear dee,,,
Sumpaahhh gw takut hal yg sama terulang lagi. Gw terlalu paranoid utk ada dlm keadaan yg sama, mengulang kesalahan yg sama.

I'm just like a little bird
Fly over the sky, through the wind,
to find trees
I go somewhere, and look at my down
I've been flying so high that I become so afraid to fall
I dont know where to rest
I dont know which way to choose
Little bird is tired with these..

Dan-Dan

a make-up?

Gw pengen jujur aja bahwa akhir2 ini... gw sedang bertarung dengan kesedihan gw.. conquer my sadness, deeply. And gw sibuk.
Gw sibuk nge-dandanin motor gw...
Gw sibuk nge-dandanin diri gw sendiri...
Gw sibuk nge-dandanin daily life gw nantinya, dengan segala pernakpernik yg biasanya gw tata sedemikian rupa supaya sempurna (aasssh cUIIh....!)
Gw sibuk nge-dandanin kerja'an gw di kantor spy gak berantakan nantinya
Gw sibuk nge-dandanin relationship gw

The last part has already made me crazy.
Relationship is the most important for me, and dealing with people that I love, or.. I used to love, ah come on.. pleaseeeeeeeee
Bos gw yg kadang2 masih mrengut2 gak jelas..
Temen2 kantor yg biasa kerja brg jg kadang nyindir2 gak jelas..
Temen2 kos..
Dan etsetraaaa etsetraaaaaa

Kemarin bahkan gw menolak ajakan hang out trakhir yg diada'in ama MT baru di kantor sblm mreka smua pada kena shift. I never do that.. refuse to join a fun thing, WHY??
coz I am gonna get sad Dee...
Semakin lama semakin terasa menyenangkan.. orang2 yg meminta gw untuk tetep tinggal disini.. well, maybe just a polite request or basabasi ya.. but.. still make me feel a lil regret.
Only a little kok dee.. don't worry. This path has already setled, and I am ready to walk. That's the sacrifice I take, and I will kiss the risk behind.

Lagu Agnes Monica gak sengaja gw denger tadi di bis 121. Passssss banget

Bukannya aku tak tau.. Kau sudah ada yang punya
Dan kau pun bisikkan cinta... Ku tau engkau berdusta
Tapi ku tak mau mengerti, selama kau masih bersamaku...
Karena ku suka.. ku butuh.. cinta yang pernah hilang dariku
Cinta ini..kadang-kadang tak ada logika, berisi smua rasa dalam hati
Hanya untuk dapat memiliki.. dirimu hanya untuk sesaat

Akankah hanya sesaat?

Missing Them Already

- Sebuah Pengakuan -

Kalo boleh jujur...
Ada sedikit ketakutan meninggalkan segala yg telah kumiliki. Well, considering it kinda life stage, but then, I'm afraid of anything. I really dont have any idea is it a good signal or a bad one, but then.. I have to choose.
>

That's picture above, some managers and friends from my dept.

Aaahh..Today, my bapak Rumania is leaving, back to his country, and a new one has come to replace his position. We held a lil farewell in his room, a lil gift, and.. I already miss him.. A good coach, a good sociable person, perfect daddy (for his sons maybe? =p).
Suddenly I feel very terible to leave these all...
After this, I am not gonna loose him, but also her, her, and her.. him, him, and him. I dont want to mention names... Coz it will make me remember them more.
Gosh..

Evil I'm in Love

Dear Dee..
Hari ini kepalaku agak 'nggliyeng' kalo istilah jawanya. Dan gw ke klinik n menemukan tekanan darahku dibawah normal. Well then, I still make suggestion that I'm gonna be allrite dan gak bakalan pengsan kayak dulu. Go for it flo! I know you can!
well well well.. sebenernya tanda2nya dah dari sejak seminggu ini. Pikiran dan emosiku dipaksa bekerja diluar batas kemampuan, dimana hasilnya biasanya psikosomatis. Self-recognition itu yg bikin aku berhati2. Aku gak mau sakit dee.. Yeah, that was me yg secapek apapun, dimana tenaga udah over-utilized pun tak mengapa, asalkan emosi n pikiran tetap dimanage dengan baik.

Dee.. jujur.. gw emang lg berattt banget menghadapi esok hari. Hari dimana gw musti ngelewatin saat2 sensitif seperti ini. Semakin hari gw makin merasa seperti such an evil yg siap melancarkan serangan.
Serangan terhadap orang2 yang gw cinta.. yg gw sayang..
Gw egois ya dee?
Aseli gw gak tega!!!!!

lagunya peterpan pun jadi soundtrack yg 'njeglek'

Terus melangkah melupakanmu..Belah hati perhatikan sikapmu...Jalan pikiranmu buatku ragu...Tak mungkin ini tetap bertahan
Perlahan mimpi terasa mengganggu ...Kucoba untuk terus menjauh... Perlahan hatiku terbelengu... Kucoba untuk lanjutkan hidup
Engkau bukanlah Segalaku.. Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahkuUsai sudah semua berlalu... Biar hujan menghapus jejakmu

Dee... gw sadar gw harus ngerubah habit gw. bahwa gw ga bisa satisfy semua orang kan? Bokap ngingetin hal itu kmaren per telepon "Nabi yang super baik aja, tetep ada yg benci!" That's life.. I know that.. Bahkan aku harusnya sedikit punya self-protection supaya tidak merelakan diri sendiri yg kena senjata.
Tapi Dee... si satu sisi.. tiba saat harus mengarahkan senjata itu jauh dariku, aku harus mengarahkannya pada orang lain, dan aku jadi 'nggliyeng'

Gw pengen nangis dan mengucap maaf
Tapi apakah itu cukup?

Let the NAIVE go....

Melepaskan kesenangan jangka pendek demi kebahagiaan jangka panjang.
That's not easy anyway...

Berhari2 ini memang penuh warna dalam hidupku. Thanks God for that.. though the color is not always bright and shiny, but also dark and full of shadow.
Mengutip kata dari seorang teman
"Berjalan memang harus hati-hati. Kita tidak pernah tahu pasti mana lubang, dan mana bukan lubang. Saat terjatuh dalam lubang, kita harus bangkit lagi dan berjalan lagi, dan jatuh lagi, dan bangkit lagi. Jatuh memang sakit.. Berusaha utk tidak jatuh memang perlu.. Tapi bukan berarti aku tidak berani melangkah krn takut jatuh. Justru semua pengalaman2 itu jadi pelajaran supaya kita lebih jitu memilih jalanan yg baik. But then.. kalo memang akhirnya jatuh lagi, at least.. kita tahu bagaimana cara jatuh yg paling baik, dan bagaimana caranya bangun lagi."

Mungkin aku merasa perfeksionis.. sehingga saat jatuh, bukan hanya sakit, tapi malu yg berkepanjangan, dan kebodohan yg disesali berhari2. It's not a good idea anyway...
JATUHLAH karena memang kamu hanya seorang hamba Tuhan
JATUHLAH karena memang didalam lubang itu banyak kebijaksanaan yg dipersiapkan untukmu
JATUHLAH untuk membuatmu lebih manusiawi

Aku kembali terjatuh setelah bermimpi..Jiwa pemberontak dalam diri ini memang tidak pernah terwujud nyata, tp terucap jelas lewat mimpi2 di malam hari. Aku mengagumi hal-hal itu..Tapi tiba saatnya Tuhan menyadarkan aku lagi. IT'S NOT MY WAY! MY DREAM IS ONLY A DREAM THAT MIGHT NOT SUIT WITH ME.
I dont know exactly what best for me.. tp dari segala ramuan pengalaman dan pengenalan diri sendiri..
Hari ini
Aku memutuskan melepaskan kesenangan jangka pendek
Demi kebahagiaan jangka panjang.

Is this a right decission? dont know either.
But I'm sure with my own way.
my choice.

Please forgive me.....

GebL3kK

I spell the word above by 'e' in enak, so try it: geebllekk..., comes from indonesian word means stupid (or... javanese ya?) and that's WHAT I AM!

Lately mine is not mine..
Suddenly, my time, my energy do not belong to me. Means... yea kayaknya emang waktu buat diri sendiri tiba2 disabotase pihak2 laen.
Well well well... Aku mencoba men-set pikiran ini secara logis.
Kenapa pilihanku seperti ini? That's because I have no others choice. I used to choose among many choices, and when I found it to be wrong, I feel so regret. Sekarang aku gak punya alasan buat regret karna yaaa ini the best yg ada kan?
Kenapa aku mau? Ya karena terasa menyenangkan. I take an advantage from everything that happen and I NEED IT! I used to sacrifice my time to things that dont deserve, and when I found it to be wrong, I loose.. and I am sad. Sekarang aku gak punya alasan buat loose karna aku butuh.

Gebleg... aku emang geblek.... or lebih kasar lagi, GUOBLOKK

Aku capek bermain, tapi pada saat bersamaan aku takut melangkah.

Sorry ya...

Dengan segala Romansa

Embun di pagi buta.. menebarkan sejuk pagi.. detik demi detik ku ingin.. inikah saat ku pergi.

Oh Tuhan tolonglah dia.. berikanlah aku hidup.. Tak kan kusakiti dia.. hukum aku bila terjadi

Aku tak mudah.. untuk mencintai..

Aku tak mudah.. mengaku ku cinta..

Aku tak mudah.. mengatakan.. aku jatuh cinta..

Di dadaku.. hanya untuk cinta.. Tirakatku hanya untuk engkau

Tiada dusta.. sumpah ku cinta.. Sampai ku menutup mata...

Dengan segala romansa.. apakah itu cinta? Dengan segala kerasnya hidup dan pengalaman, sanggupkah romansa berdiri tulus tanpa dihujani keterbatasan manusia?

Dengan segala romansa.. dimanakah kamu berdiri?

Bagaimana cermin menggambarkan rupa dan hatimu? Bagaimana sore menenggelamkan cahayamu sedikit demi sedikit? Bagaimana tuntutan norma layaknya debu yg melahirkan polusi-polusi batin?

Dengan segala romansa.. Dimanakah nurani bergayut manja meregang kekakuan sejenak? Dimanakah ada pagi sejuk dan bersihnya udara? Dimanakah pengertian dalam dibalik tembok pengorbanan?

Aku rindu keterbuka'an.. keluguan.. dan nyamannya percaya..

Dengan segala romansa...

Aku ingat mama..

Mimpi

Semalem aku mimpi nangis... sesenggukan.. dan rasanya di hati ini kecewaaaa banget. Sedih banget. Baru waktu bangun, aku sadar itu cuman mimpi...

dear D...,
let me admit to you now.
Mungkin aku berusaha menetralkan perasaanku sendiri, menentramkan jiwa, dan lalu berpikir rasional. Aku berusaha tidak khawatir, tdk skeptis, berpikir positif, dan lalu menerima resiko yg mungkin terjadi.. Well.. maybe it's work. means.. nobody's hurt
Tapi dlm alam bwh sadarku.. mungkin memang aku sedih, sekaligus takut.

Dear Good please help me... please don't let me be sad like this.. please make me brave to face this..
Please whispering to my ear, please showing to my eyes, and let me feel that everything's just gonna be allrite..
dan ketakutan2ku... semoga jd sesuatu yg terus membuatku meng'hamba padaMu.. tak lupa bersujud dan bersungkur mohon ampun bahwa tak ada yg bs menandingi kekuasa'anMu..
semoga aku kuat pun bila semua kekhawatiranku jadi nyata.

Amin

melow lagi deh

dEAR DEEE...
arGGGHHhhhh.....

For almost these one month I feel that I've been success to forget the sadness and shadow that haunted me. I feel like I've found many new places, new heart, new people, new games just trying to keep thinking bout my own problem. Bahkan minggu lalu aku speechless saat ada piano di depanku dan bahkan gak satu lagu pun yg bs kunyanyikan. Different with previous that I could spend even 2hours sitting and singing melancolic song (let's consider that sad songs are easier to play with piano, while happy song need drum,etc)

Dan lagu2 tompi pun mulai jadi favorit yg diulang2 mlulu di mp3
Bukan hanya sekali kau salah memanggil namaku, ouw ouw baby....kau panggil aku dengan nama Ramli, padahal kau tau namaku si Tompi...Begitu ku tanya apa alasanmu, kau bilang kau baru saja nonton tivi.... ada film baru dari negri malaysia, pemerannya mirip sekali dengan ku....... Dulu kupercaya begitu saja, pada dirimu.. ouwo uwo..
Sekarang baru kusadari aku tertipu, uuu..uu..terrnyata bukan hanya aku foto di dompetmu.... kau juga berkata yang sama pada si Ramli, ataupun si Joni....Dia dapat pipi yang kiri, aku pipi kanan, sisanya hanya dapat dahi
Aku tak mau mencintaimu, Aku tak mau..
===========================
Inilah cerita tragis cintaku.. tentang si Lulu pacarku yang dulu.....Sering aku mati dalam cemburu.. dia bercinta dengan sahabatku....Terakhir kekasihku namanya Siti, rajin mengaji, jago bikin puisi....Aku cinta padanya setengah mati, kini dia pergi tak kembali
=============================
Atau lagu2 oldis yang ga sengaja gw temuin dari laptopnya H

kata2nya selangit, tersenyum penuh misteri, matanya membikin ngeri, semua gadis-gadis remaja... gaya lelaki katanya slalu begitu.. dia bilang aku cantik, dia bilang aku menarik, dia bilang mau bikin asyik, hingga dada ini deg2an... mulut lelaki katanya slalu begitu... apalagi engkau yang masih suka dengan gadis remaja..
Engkau lupakan anak cucumu.. hanya demi kenikmatan... Yang ada hanya rayuan.. oh oh oh.. mengaku bujangan kepada tiap wanita ternyata cucunya segudang

Tiba2, ga ada angin ga ada hujan, email comes from one friend of mine:
[KUTIPAN]
ya ngertilah gw knp lu ampe hurt, tp jujur, br kali ini gw nemu pasangan yg dewasa, brpikir logis n rasional bwt mutusin hubungan. dan pasangan itu adalah kalian bedua. gw salut dh angkat topi bwt kalian bedua. tp gw ga punya topi.ada topi kkn dl kaga prnh gw pake.ya udah angkat helm aje ye. hyak......
[/KUTIPAN]

Dan tau gak Dee... lagu soundtrack di playlist mp3 ku langsung kuganti deh...

Terlambatku menyusuri jalan ini.. tersesat di saat kau menjauh.... terlambat ku mengartikan cintamu... kusadari setelah kau pergi... berat hati menerima kehilangan mu.. tegarkan aku.. saat kau memilih dirinya... pergi cinta.. lupakanlah aku cinta.. kurelakan dia agar kau bahagia

sHHHHHIIITTT!!!!
*KENAPAA LOE MESTI KOMENTARNYA KAYAK GITU SKRG SIIHHH????!! TELAT TAUU!*
melow lagi deh guwe =D