Case Closed

Hard day pfuh...

Yea.. for almost this month I become so busy and emotional. Maybe it's only lil things, only to present what have I'm doing for these 5 months in front of all management team! Ahh.. come on.. it's not a big deal, is it? But honesty, I've become so nervous since months ago. I become so pesimis. I have been realize that the perfectionist side of me sumtimes can burden myself. Well.. day by day I try to overcome this feeling, and I learn so much to reduce my perfectionist level. It's now has been finished. I'm so glad that I have passed the presentation section. Yea.. the Rumanian guy is always asking, interupting, but also joking during the presentation. Also the other manager, they who do not have the same background with me, Oh... That's part of things that have made me crazy!

Anyway, the feedback of my performance during presentation has not been given yet. I will find out their evaluation summary later. the strengths and the weaknesses.
But I may remember of what the Rumanian's just said when I was in my manager's room (not in front of the audience):
" Well.. I am so impressed by you coz you're doing good in your presentation. I'm surprised of this because u are ussually very quiet."
( of course!! what is he expecting from me? go to his room and ask some chats? hohoho... actually he's not my direct boss! he's the plant manager! i'm only a fresh graduate! who am I?)
" U can deliver the message well. It's important coz in presentation U need to convince people; the audience."
(I dont know if he's only want to make me happy by his words, coz I'm actually very skeptic. But then the question is: is he convinced by me? gegege.. kidding me..)

Whateva..
Breathing so long... I'm remembering this one month's passed...
And enjoy the memories of the struggle, the effort, the sickness, and the hard work behind all these.
Also the memories of my broken relationship. Gosh.. I shouldn't blame him or my situation.
I should blame myself to be very sensitive and emotional in facing and thinking things too hard.
I am so sorry..

But.. it's already happen.
I can't fix anything. I only can fix my life, my future
I will only resign to God.. all my faith.. my destiny.. my way.

Hot Rainy Day

Cikarang itu panasnya ampun2 sampe2 ujan2 gini malah jd anget :D

Kemarin waktu malam minggu, makan di resto plaza.
pretty nice krn 'tumben' ada hiburan akustikan (jadi inget masa2 ngamen dulu.. hehehehe)
dan aku pun turut bernyanyi dan berdendang..

Tuliskan kesedihan semua tak bisa kau ungkapkan
kapan kita kan bicara, dengar hatiku..
Buang semua puisi antara kita berdua
Kau bunuh dia, sesuatu yg ku sebut itu cinta

Yakinkan aku Tuhan.. dia bukan milikku
Biarkan waktu.. waktu.. hapus aku
Sadarkan aku Tuhan.. dia bukan milikku
Biarkan waktu.. waktu.. hapus aku

Trus..
yang ada org2 disitu melongo kali ya gara2 gw kliatan begitu bersemangat n menjiwai?
:D

Sweet VERTIGO

sweet name that drive me into lots of words..

"Tenang aja.. jangan dibikin setress, vertigo itu bukan sesuatu yang menakutkan kok.."
(who care???? i'm not desperate of that. kekekeke.. fool doctor..)

"Oh, saya juga pernah tuh.. pala rasanya muterrrr aja ya? saya dulu gitu ampe lemesss banget. trus gimana, sekarang dah sembuh?"
(sweet also, my boss. Feel more comfortable coz she has ever felt it also. so she could understand me. suddenly I got a learning from this. well.. sickness is always bad for anybody. but without it, we wont know how it feels and how to understand them. Thanks God lah!)

"vertigo apa'an sih?"
(one of my advisor in office)

"dulu tuh saya vertigo juga tuh waktu turun dr pesawat. abisnya perjalanannya lamaaa banget. begitu turun ampe gak tau dimana pintu kluar"
(vertigo? are u sure? is it not jetlag? hohoho.. he's my direct boss)

"makanya.. kamu tuh suka cuek sih.. pulang dari kantor malem terus, dingin gitu, gak pernah pake jaket pula! udah gitu makannya gak teratur. coba deh ya.. diubah itu kebiasaanmu.. sayang badan.."
(ahh.. sweet friend... sounds like Mom, uh?)

"eh, tapi kamu masih bisa pulang sendiri kan? bisa ngebedain jalan kan? klo dipertiga'an gak ngerti lewat mana, nahh bennner tuh.. vertigo.. vertiga'an!"
(huehueheuhue... once again.. my direct boss.. always makes joke..)

"minum susu deh.. kayak aku nih. tempat cicik ku tuh ya.. disediakan susu gratis buat para karyawannya karena pertimbangan ruangan AC. jadi sepertinya memang ruangan ber AC itu kurang baik klo terus menerus. susu bisa menetralisir dampak negatifnya"
(everything is always on scientific mode with this friend. hehehe.. but it's okay.. like it also laahh)

"vertigo? masih kecil udah vertigo? mendingan cepet periksa deh.. aku dulu kayak gitu, terus disuruh rujuk ke dokter syaraf. Mendingan kamu langsung cek deh.."
(i think she is still young, but she could call me 'little girl'? then I know that she is 40. whuuu.. seems like 28)

==========

Well.. more than simple words mention above.. sweet words also from a strange man, wise, mature, smart and very confident:
"our best strength, will always be our greatest weakness"
"so.. if it's so, I choose not to find my best strength so I will only have a lil weakness. rite?"
"No, u can't! u cant avoid from suffer if u want happiness. U only can feel happiness after u feel sadness, rite? u wont appreciate any good things if U needn't hardly dream of it. Enjoy your suffer.. and at the same time, always remember that there are always people who are more suffer than U. Be Thankfull! U have to realize your luck.
U are worth and deserve the best"

eniwei... there's something sweet email from my friend at office this afternoon..
with subject: "pus.. nikah kog gak ngundang2 sih?"
:)

I'm still 22

I think that I'm still childish..

hmmm sudah berapa orang ya yg nebak umurku dan SALAH!????
padahal klo ditanya, pasti kujawab 17 taon. wakakakaka... heran.. kenapa smua org slalu nebak diatas umurku. untungnya ga sampe diatas 30 sih.. tp tuh yg berkisar.. umm 25,26... dame.. prasaa'an gaya gw jg kayak gini2 ajeeeeee, gak pengen sok tua euy...
whatever..
but now i'm 22.
tiap kali dapat tambahan umur.. aku biasanya slalu dapet shocking therapy. tiba2 dapet learning, changing paradigma, dll.
I always feeling lost something..
of course la.. lost my past time. kehilangan umur yang sebelumnya jelasla..
More consideration.. more complicated.. is it what you call MATURE? bulls**t!

The best Man

My footprint..
Akhirnya kemarin terucap juga..

"ya udah boleh deh boleh..."
"bener nih boleh?"
"Ya abis piye meneh.. ga pa pa deh"
"ya kalo boleh, ntar mo mulai pedekate nih"

Mungkin cuma pembicaraan ringan sambil ketawa2. Tapi sebenernya dibalik canda itu maknanya serius..
Aku sudah mengijinkan.
Tapi apakah aku sudah merelakan?
jujur aku masih belum bisa 100% pasrah dan berkorban
But I love him.. so what should i do?

Guilty Pleasure

A friend of mine, once, tell me bout 'guilty pleasure' that.. she is british in music taste, but sometimes she likes to listen Sheila on7. It's kinda weird for her coz she is ashamed of it, but the truth can't be avoided. It's such a guilty, but she enjoy it.

This is the night that I have to admit to myself. Foolish game. Maybe this is common that I used to do this in my old times. I dont care bout the effect, I juz do everything I want (still save of course, but useless.. wasting time!). But then in the end, I will regret that pleasure. and being grown up, I decided not to do that kind of game anymore. I try to think logically, rational and realistic. dream is juz such a imagination that can stay only in our mind, not come into reality.
I feel sad to realize the situation.
To realize that I've been trapped in a game. Foolish game.
U can say that I have kinda traumatic game, stupid things, and I've tried not to involve in a such thing. U can say I am paranoid, but IT'S TRUE! I'm skeptic! I'm a deep thinker! I'm melancholic!
so what?????????
And after long time ago, last time I decided not to get into a guilty things.. this nite.. again... I'm in the guilty pleasure. stupid girl... stupid pleasure.

God please gimme your sign.. a solution..
the guilty pleasure is only a sudden pleasure.. I pray for this pleasure, will it be long lasting? or I am waiting for a death behind?

I juz LOVE! nothing more...

ups?? hot topic uh?
nope... actually maybe this is a boring one...

When we talk about love... we only want to give and do the best. and the only key, of course... resignation.
When we talk about love... we only want to enjoy the good feel. and the only sign is... comfortable.
When we talk about love... there's no way for suffer. becoz we talk about sacrifice... learning... and growing
When we talk about love... we also talk about God. because God loves us with the most beautifull way that we couldn't imagine. why didn't we love God also? I dont speak about unrealistic things, but the love that we give for God can be very realistic. Love your environment... your friends... your family.. your job.. your body.. and everything around.

==========
serius amat yak??? xixixixi... no no.. kadang2 orang bisa bicara serius setelah bersantai terlalu lama. atau bisa jadi kebanyakan bercanda sebagai kompensasi dari keseriusan yang menjenuhkan.
Kenapa tiba2 ngomongin cinta? basi ah! hhehe... bukan maksud hati sok romantis. tapi emang kontemplasi yg kulakukan tidak menghasilkan kesimpulan lain, selain : LOVE. CINTA. Aku hanya ingin mencinta kok. apa itu salah?
Silahkan orang lain mengernyit atas apa yang kulakukan dan yang kuputuskan. SO WHAT? THEY EVEN DONT KNOW ME!!!
jangan melulu mengaitkan kata2 cinta dengan hubungan sepasang kekasih berlawanan jenis (meskipun, kuakui, itu tuh yg paling ngetrend deh yaaaa kayaknyaaaa... people relate 'love' mostly on it) karena aku mengartikan cinta sebagai bentukan pengorbanan yang tanpa pamrih, tapi menyenangkan. eits.. SIAPA BILANG CINTA ITU BUTA? berkorban tanpa pamrih juga klo buta berarti tidak menyenangkan. dan klo menyenangkan saja tapi berkorbannya dengan pamrih itu namanya BUTUH! mungkin terlalu idealis bicara ttg sesuatu yg tanpa pamrih. well.. I admitt also, ORANG BODOH MANA YANG MAU SEPERTI ITU??? tapi kembali lagi ke pengorbanan.
pamrih itu wilayah kekuasaan Tuhan.
hasil dari segala sesuatu yang kita lakukan itu sudah ada yang mengatur.
Manusia cuma bisa berusaha kan? why didn't we DO MORE but EXPECT LESS? I believe that God love us. God love me that God wouldn't make me loose if we have do the best. at least, the process itself give a learning. and it's worth!!

dah ah.. pulang. kos'an mo tutup. ai ai ai... I start to love this city. I start to love my life here.. my job.. my friends...

I love you also!